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.E533 
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1913 
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COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. 



ONYX SERIES 



CHRISTMAS CAROLLIN' 



ONYX SERIES 



CHRISTMAS CAROLLIN' 



By 
CAROLYN WELLS 



NEW YORK 

FRANKLIN BIGELOW CORPORATION 

THE MORNINGSIDE PRESS 

PUBLISHERS 






Copyright, 1913, by 
FRANKLIN BIGELOW CORPORATION 



// 



/ t^'-O 









A CHRISTMAS THOUGHT 

9^T^IS blessed to bestow, and yet, 
X Could we bestow the gifts we get, 

And keep the ones we give away. 
How happy were our Christmas Day ! 



THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS 

WHY, goodness me !'* said Percy Gunn, 
"Christmas is just a week from SUN ! 

"This present business is no fun." 
Then he sat down to count his MON. 



But after paying what was due, 
His surplus dollars were but TUE. 

Then Percy sadly shook his head. 
Thinking of one he fain would WED. 

The weather was depressing, too ; 
For first it friz, and then it THU. 

And presents also he must buy 
For sisters, aunts, and smaller FRI. 

No answer could he find to that. 

He sat and thought and thought and SAT. 

And sitting still was Percy Gunn 
When Christmas came, and it was SUN ! 



A SAFE AND SANE CHRISTMAS 

SCENT of balsam and fir and pine. 
Holly ribbon and tissue papers ; 
Foolish trinkets of gay design, 

Strings of tinsel and lighted tapers, 
Glittering baubles and shining ropes, 
Hung all over the Christmas Tree ; 
Granted wishes and answered hopes — 
This is Christmas as it should be! 

Well-filled stockings all in a row. 

Lots of uproarious, laughing children, 
Railroad trains that will really go — 

Drums and horns with a din bewilderin* ! 
Evergreen wreaths with a big red bow ; 

Voices rising in carol and glee. 
And Mabel under the mistletoe — 

This is Christmas as it should be ! 



A RECOLLECTION 

HOW dear to my heart are the old Christmas 
presents, 
When fond recollection presents them to view ; 
The hand-painted "game sets" with woodcock and 
pheasants, 
The lambrequins, crewel-worked in olive and blue. 
The bead sofa-cushion, the knit af ghan nigh it. 

The tile pipe umbrella-stand, meant for the hall; 
The big Rogers Group — (father loved so to buy it !) 
And the worsted-work motto to hang on the wall. 
The old worsted motto. 
The Bristol-board motto, 
The rustic framed motto that hung on the wall. 

How well I remember the wording upon it ; 

'TWas "God Bless Our Home" in letters iquite 
wild. 
And a worsted-work lady in worsted-work bonnet. 

Who held in her arms a worsted-work child. 
Seme Florida grasses were bunched in behind it ; 
(Quite dusty, — ^though cleaned in the spring and 
the fall.) 
I'd give a round sum if I only could find it, — 
That old worsted motto that hung on the wall. 
The old worsted motto. 
The Bristol-board motto, 
The rustic framed motto that hung on the wall. 

4 



A RECOLLECTION 

N. B. — ^The above is entirely mendacious. 

That motto was really a perfect old fright. 
And should I recover it, — my goodness gracious ! 

How quickly I*d tuck it away out of sight. 
But poets, you know, at this glad Christmas season 

Must be reminiscent, and tender withal ; 
We must strike a heart-interest, so that is the reason 

I sing the old motto that hung on the wall. 
The old worsted motto, 
The Bristol-board motto. 
The rustic framed motto that hung on the wall. 



OVERHEARD IN A DEPARTMENT STORE 

SO hard to find things for a man" — 
"I do believe IVe lost ten dollars!" 
"Maude's crazy for a point-lace fan." 
"I'm awful tired of sailor collars." 



"I must meet Emmeline at two" — 
"But haven't you a mauve kimono?" 

"Oh, that's just elegant for Sue !" 

"Who wrote 'The Merchant of Verona'?" 



"It isn't only buying gifts. 

But holly ribbon — tissue-paper — " 
"I wott*t go in those crowded lifts!" 

"Have you a hammered-brass crumb-scraper?' 



"The thing you waat you never find — " 
"Yes, but I s'pos2 she has a dozen — " 

*'Mydear, I've simply lost my mind — " 
"What shall I get for William's cousin?" 



'Don't you keep crewels any more?" 
"She won't have records that ain't classic- 

I've tried in every single store — 
I can't get grandma that green hassock!" 
6 



OVERHEARD IN A DEPARTMENT STORE 

Each year the scene comes round again, 
With all its care, expense and worry ; 

But "Peace on earth, good-will to men" 
Prompts all this blessed Christmas flurry! 



A CHRISTMAS PETITION 

^^T^IS Christmas time! Though we regret 
JL Its many forced expenses, 

We pretend to like the gifts we get. 
And our friends make like pretenses. 

Both, for ourselves, be this our plea. 
And for those who recompense us — 

Forgive us our Christmases as we 

Forgive those who Christmas against us! 



AN UNORTHODOX CHRISTMAS 

I WENT to spend the day with Rose, and then 
A Christmas greeting passed between us two ; 
But 'twas not **Peace on earth, good-will to men," 
We only said, "Good morning," "How d'ye do?" 

And then to her I offered smilingly 
The present she expected me to bring; 

There were no hanging hose — no Christmas tree — 
The box was tied in paper with a string. 

We didn't sit beside the Yule-log's blaze. 
We just turned on the radiator's steam. 

And dinner, unlike those of storied days. 

Gave no plum pudding, but some bisque ice cream. 

We didn't hear the church bells' solemn toll; 

And when we had our Christmas evening lunch, 
We didn't have a steaming wassail bowl, 

But just a jug of simple claret punch. 

We trampled on traditions, I suppose ; 

Yet one rite we observed with care — but, no, 
Although I well remember kissing Rose, 

It wasn't underneath the mistletoe! 



SOME CHRISTMAS BROMIDIOMS 

YES, I always mean to get my shopping doUe 
early, but I never do." 

"It's so hard to find gifts for men." 

"It doesn't seem possible Christmas is so near.": 

"It isn't the value of the gifts, it's just the remem- 
brance." 

"Oh, if I had plenty of money, Christmas shop- 
ping would be easy enough." 

"It's awfully hard to select a book." 

"It isn't only the gifts, but nowadays you have to 
have all that tissue paper and holly ribbon and fancy 
tags." 

"It's so hard to find anything for her, because she 
has everything already." 

"Sadie and I don't give presents any more, we just 
exchange post cards." 

"Oh, I never give my husband a Christmas pres- 
ent." 

"I wouldn't mind Christmas if it weren't for writ- 
ing the notes of thanks afterward." ^ 



CHRISTMAS EVE 

MY childhood's Christmases each brought to me 
The wondrous glory of a Christmas tree ; 
Now, every year, since I've to manhood grown, 
I buy a tree for children of my own. 
And so to-night my mind looks back and sees 
Life a long avenue of Christmas trees. 



ETIQUETTE FOR CHRISTMAS 

DO not push or crowd ahead of other shoppers. 
Wait patiently until they have all completed 
their purchases and then politely state your wants to 
the girl behind the counter. 

Describe to her leisurely what it is you wish to 
buy. Nothing is more vulgar than an appearance 
of haste or impatience. 

If she hasn't the article you desire, take whatever 
she has. It doesn't matter. Buy such things as 
seem shopworn or unattractive. This is true kind- 
ness to others. Express no surprise at being obliged 
to wait a long time for your change. (If literary, 
carry a volume of Marcus Aurelius to read at these 
odd hours. If a fairly rapid reader, carry several 
volumes.) 

Have no definite idea of what you want to buy 
for your friends' gifts. Trust to luck to see just the 
right thing at the right price. If you don't see it, 
take something else. It doesn't matter. 

Do your Christmas shopping early. Late August 
or early September is a good time, as there are al- 
most no people in the shops then. Also, almost no 
goods. But it doesn't matter. 

If the week before Christmas you find you have 
all your gifts bought and no money to buy more, 
go back and exchange some. It is a shame to miss 
the festive excitement of the Christmas shopping 



ETIQUETTE FOR CHRISTMAS 

crowds. Go to toy counters or notion counters late 
in the afternoon and you will be annoyed at the re- 
sult. If you buy a large or bulky parcel, carry it 
home with you. It adds to the Christmas spirit of 
the crowd in many ways. 

Endeavor to make yourself a conspicuous and ani- 
mated figure in the crowd of Christmas shoppers. 
Even without vulgar pushing or jostling, you may 
manage to impede others* progress, by sudden or un- 
decided movements, by stepping ahead of patient or 
timid people, by going backward or sideways, or by 
standing stock-still to read over your list. 

Remember all these points, and we may hope for 
our usual turbulent, excited and hen-minded crowd 
of Christmas shoppers. 



MY CHOICE 

SOME may look back with loving eye 
At memory's pictures, fading fast, 
And murmur, with a long-drawn sigh, 
"The happiest time's the past." 

While others, lured by hope's bright ray, 
Look forward with a zeal and zest. 

And in anticipation say, 

"The future brings the best." 

No past or future hold I dear, 

Their vague delights I gladly lose; 

The Christmas season now is here — 
The present time I choose. 



13 



AN IMMINENT DISASTER 

AT Christmas-time I don't mind much 
Unwelcome and misguided gifts ; 
Tokens designed the heart to touch 

And books whose atmosphere uplifts ; 
But one dire fear hangs o'er my heart. 

Nor will be quenched by mere avowals — 
I dread those latest works of art, 
Those hideous, ghastly cross-stitch towels ! 

Atrocities of bronze or brass 

I've learned to take with smiling face; 
For gold-bedaubed Bohemian glass 

I gush my thanks with artless grace. 
I'll even stand hand-painted plaques 

Or gilded and beribboned trowels ; 
Or plaster casts or monk pipe-racks— 

But not those fearful cross-stitch towels! 

They have designs in reds and blues, 

Of men bizarre and houses queer ; 
Strange landscapes of most vivid hues 

And children that are "quaint" and "dear." 
Oh, Fate, send any simple thing — 

A box of sweets — a book of Howells' — 
A decorated ball of string — 

But save me from those cross-stitch towels ! 



14 



OUT OF ALL PROPORTION 

ON Christmas eve, as pretty Jane came tripping 
down the stair, 
The spicy smell of Christmas greens pervaded all 

the air. 
"Now this I cannot understand," said Jane. "Why 

is it so? 
A hundred sprays of holly and but one of mistletoe !" 



15 



RETRIBUTION 

MY daughter, surely you've received 
Full many a Christmas present. 
What makes you look so sad and grieved? 
Why can't you look more pleasant?" 

"Oh, mother dear," Susanna sniifed, 

"To-morrow I must write 
A note of thanks for every gift 

That I've received to-night!" 



A NEEDED INSTITUTION 

OH, sir, what is this place so strange, 
Filled full of trinkets fine?" 
"This is the Christmas Gift Exchange, 
A clever plan of mine. 

Your misfit presents here may be 
Exchanged for others that you see." 

I turned my head and laughed aloud 
To see the eager, hurrying crowd. 



i6 



BALLADE OF HUMAN NATURE 

I GET so tired of Christmas cheer, 
Of holly, bay and mistletoe ; 
Though Christmas comes but once a year, 
I'm always glad to see it go. 
I hanker for the streamlet's flow. 
The blossoms on the apple-trees, 

The balmy morn, the noontide glow — 
At Christmas time I long for these. 

Enough of winter bleak and drear. 

Enough of ice and frost and snow. 
I want to see the buds appear, 

I want to see the green things grow. 

The meadows where the cattle low, 
The mountain air, the ocean breeze. 

The seaside's gay and glittering show — 
At Christmas time I long for these. 

Of course, when summer's really here. 

And days are long and hot, I know 
I'll sigh for winter cold and clear 

And wish for old Boreas' blow. 

But now I wander to and fro, 
I want the flowers and birds and bees, 

A wheel to ride, a boat to row — 
At Christmas time I think of these. 
17 



BALLADE OF HUMAN NATURE 

L 'Envoi 

Life, listen to my tale of woe : 
The human race is hard to please. 

The summer days are gone, and so 
At Christmas time I think of these. 



i8 



EXPLAINED 

I LOVE dear Mr. Santa Claus, 
He has such jolly ways ; 
Why, every year a visit here 
On Christmas eve he pays, 
And puts up wreaths of holly leaves 
To mark the holly-days. 



19 



WANTED: A LOOKER 

A GOOD position for the right party. Annual 
employment guaranteed to one who fulfills 
all requirements. A lady who receives a great many 
Christmas presents experiences difficulty in getting 
her friends to notice and admire them sufficiently. 
She will therefore pay a good salary to a professional 
Looker. 

He must be or appear to be interested in the gifts, 
both collectively and individually. He must be in- 
telligent and appreciative, but never disparaging. 
He must not tell of gifts of superior quality received 
by himself or his friends. He must be capable of ex- 
pressing surprise, amazement and delight as the 
gifts are opened, and reiterate these emotions as he 
reviews the gifts at subsequent intervals. His stock 
of adjectives must be large and varied, his enthusi- 
asm unfailing, and his patience unshakable. Pleas- 
ant address and good humor are indispensable, and 
a sincere devotion to his work will insure ample re- 
ward, as the advertiser has suffered many Christ- 
mases from the discomforts of having her array of 
gifts ignored or carelessly inspected by indifferent 
friends and neighbors. 



20 



A BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS BURDENS 

THE burden of gay greeting. Vain delight, 
For who among us means a word we say? 
In hackneyed speech we clothe our message trite, 
And idly voice the wishes of the day. 
We smile and bow in our accustomed way, 
While our indifference we try to hide, 

Stifling our boredom, striving to be gay; 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 



The burden of much giving. Every year 

We realize anew the fearful fraud 
This custom is. And then, albeit we sneer, 

We buy afresh the bauble and the gaud. 

Hoping thereby to win a hollow laud. 
Or gain a compliment to feed our pride ; 

Contented if the giddy world applaud — 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 

The burden of scant shekels. Woe impends 

The wight whose way is with this danger fraught ; 
Lured by the Spirit of the Times he spends 

More than he meant to and more than he ought. 

And when he views the gew-gaws he has bought, 
And sees his empty pockets yawning wide. 

He sadly bows his head in anxious thought — 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 

21 



A BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS BURDENS 

The burden of swift shopping. Crowded streets 

And rushing messengers our way impede. 
Our innocence the wily fakir cheats, 

And fleeces us, weak victims to his greed. 

Or haply haughty clerks pay us no heed. 
At our approach they partly turn aside 

Until our ire our patience doth exceed ; 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 

The burden of great eating. Other days, 

It matters not so much how we may dine ; 
But at this festival tradition says 

We must bestir, and kill the fatted kine. 

The board must groan 'neath rarest food and wine, 
Boar's head and wassail bowl we must provide 

That our digestion we may undermine ; 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 

L'Envoi 

Comrades, and ye who Christmas pleasures seek, 
These timely thoughts to you I would confide; 

Harken unto the wisdom that I speak : 
This is the end of every Christmas-tide. 



22 



ON CHRISTMAS EVE 

I KNOW the Christmas gifts I send 
Will be received with praises ; 
But fifty times to-night I've penned 
The same old hackneyed phrases. 

"Best Christmas wishes" — "Christmas love"- 
"With merry Christmas greeting" — 

I must confess I*m weary of 

Those same old words repeating. 

With pen in hand, at each I pause. 

And sit like any dumb thing ; 
I'd like to write, "Take this, because 

I bave to send you something!" 



23 



IN ABSENCE 
A Rondeau 

ON Christmas Day as far and near 
The bells ring out their message clear. 
Your thoughts will turn to me, I know. 
And mine to you as swift will go 
To tell you that I love you, dear. 

And those whom you may see and hear 
Will not give greeting more sincere 
Than this I send across the snow 
On Christmas Day: 

Amid the mirth and merry cheer 
Of this glad time that crowns the year, 
Haply beneath the mistletoe 
I'll shyly whisper, sweet and low, 
A soft je i*aime just for your ear, 
On Christmas Day. 



24 



A STERLING NUISANCE 

AS Christmas Day is nearing, 
My spirits fall, alas ! 
I know the fate I'm fearing 

Will shortly come to pass. 
When parents, friends and lover 
Their Christmas boxes bring, 
I'll find beneath each cover 
Some little silver thing. 

IVe every silver trinket. 

And duplicates beside ; 
My bureau! one would think it 

The bureau of a bride. 
But Florence, Ruth and Mabel 

To one tradition cling, — 
For desk or dressing-table 

Some little silver thing. 

They know books give me pleasure, 

They know I'm fond of plates ; 
A picture I would treasure, 

I'd like a pair of skates. 
I'll struggle to look pleasant. 

But as I cut the string 
I know I'll find each present 

Some little silver thing. 
25 



A STERLING NUISANCE 

Jack has his gift selected, — 

He says it's small and bright ; 
It's something I expected — 

The case is lined with white ; 
From what he said, it could be 

A pearl and opal ring ; 
But, oh! suppose it should be 

Some little silver thing? 



26 



THE BACHELOR'S CHRISTMAS SPOILS 

ONE odious onyx ornament obtrusively obnoxi- 
ous. 

Two trumpery tambourines trimmed with tassels. 

Three thingumbob thermometers thoroughly theatri- 
cal. 

Four flamboyant four-in-hands fit for a farmer. 

Five foolish fancy-work frames for photographs. 

Six silly slipper-cases sewed with scarlet silk. 

Seven superfluous shaving-balls scented with sachet. 

Eight excruciating etchings executed in the early 
eighties. 

Nine knitted neckties noticeably nauseating. 

Ten trashy trinkets terribly trivial and tawdry. 

Eleven embroidered eyesores expensive and effem- 
inate. 

Twelve tinsel-trimmed traps truly tragical. 



27 



FOREBODINGS 

MY Christmas Gifts! I see them now! 
But not in recollection. 
No ; 'tis prophetic eyes, I vow. 
That make the sad inspection. 

There'll be a lot of silver things, 

(Each sillier than the other) ; 
A motor hood with silken strings, 

(The kind that makes you smother). 

And boudoir shoes, all fleecy lined, 

(No one could ever use 'em) ; 
Hatpins, — ^by some weird art designed, — 

(I truly hope I'll lose 'em!) 

Burnt leather! Well, my brain just storms 

To think of bags and pillows ! 
And baskets in outrageous form 

Of twisted greenish willows. 

The Christmas novelty this year 
Is patterns done in cross stitch; 

I'll get so much of it, I fear, 
I'll wish it were a lost stitch. 

Receptacles of every kind, — 
Covers, receivers, cases; 
28 



FOREBODINGS 

To hold such things as no sane mind 
Could dream of in such places! 

Ah, well, I'd strive to be polite. 
And bear these dire inflictions, 

But thought of notes that I must write 
Rouses my maledictions. 

To say, for that old foolish stuff : 
"Just what I wanted, Lydie!" 

"I cannot thank you half enough !" 
"I simply love that tidy !" 

Well, now I have my mind outspoke, 
I'll turn to something pleasant ; 

I'll finish that embroidered yoke 
For Janey's Christmas present. 



29 



HER CHRISTMAS SHOPPING 

WHY do I have to shop? 
Upon my word, 
'Tis utterly absurd 
The way I race 
And chase 

From place to place ! 

The way I madly run from store to store, 
The bargains looking o*er; 
Trying to find some novel gift for Anne, 
Or Dan, 
Or Nan, 

Or hunting something new for Uncle Steve ; 
Seeking strong toys 
For Gertrude's boys, — 
They'd break a cannon-ball, I do believe ! 
And all I buy, no doubt 
The children would be better off without. 
Nor do their elders care a cent about 
The little silver things, or blue delft clocks. 
Burnt leather fancy-work, embroidered stocks. 
Which they mendaciously pronounce the very 
Things they desire to make their Christmas merry ! 
Ah, well. 

If I the truth must tell, 
I do the same; 

My fellow-sufEerers I ought not to blame. 
So on I go, like any jaded hack; 

30 



HER CHRISTMAS SHOPPING 

Buying, exchanging, often sending back. 

Pushed by the populace, jammed by the crowd, 

Muttering imprecations deep, not loud. 

So on I go, — 

But somehow, do you know? 

I rather like it after all. 

Were I a millionaire, with servants at my call. 

To none would I entrust 

My Christmas shopping. No, I ever must 

Do that myself. It is my great delight 

To shop at Christmastide from mom till night. 



31 



AT THE BARGAIN COUNTER 

EN Christmas shoppers standing in a line ; 
One got elbowed out, then there were nine. 

Nine Christmas shoppers, shopping very late; 
One fell asleep, and then there were eight. 

Eight Christmas shoppers, shopping till eleven ; 
One fainted dead away, then there were seven. 

Seven Christmas shoppers, cross as two sticks; 
One flounced herself away, then there were six. 

Six Christmas shoppers, only just alive; 
One remembered baby ! Then there were five. 

Five Christmas shoppers, pawing bargains o'er; 
The salesgirl snubbed one, then there were four. 



Four Christmas shoppers, nervous as could be ; 
One smelled smoke, and then there were three. 



Three Christmas shoppers, making great to-do ; 
One had hysterics, then there were two. 

32 



AT THE BARGAIN COUNTER 

TWo Christmas shoppers, with shopping not half 

done; 
One thought she saw a mouse, then there was one. 

One Christmas shopper, who'd spent all her mun ; 
Her husband came for her — then there was none. 



33 



THE CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE 

ON the night before Christmas there*s something 
amiss 
With your placid, habitual slumber; 
You suddenly find that your overworked mind 
Is harassed by cares without number. 

You are stirred by the thought that the gifts you 
have bought 

Are less than your friends have expected ; 
And your heart is beset by a nervous regret 

That the things were not better selected. 

You cannot lie quiet, your brain's in a riot. 
And fears for the dinner oppress you ; 

The goose may be tough or the cook in a huff, 
Or the children's behavior distress you. 

You can't get your breath, you're worried to death 
Lest the weather may turn out unpleasant ; 

Your eyes ache and bum as you toss and you turn 
And think over every one's present. 

That Dresden affair, expensive and rare, 

Is really quite wasted on Dora; 
And you're tempted to wish you had given the dish 

To Alice or Ethel or Flora. 
34 



THE CHRISTMAS NIGHTMARE 

Dick never will look in that beautiful book, 
So you think you'll transfer it to Maisie ; 

Then you'll have to give Dick that ebony stick — 
But by this time you're just about crazy. 

As you tumble and roll, a fear thrills your soul 
Lest some one left out should feel slighted. 

Though you doubt if you're able to seat round the 
table 
The guests you've already invited. 

The cream may fall short — there's only a quart — 
And some one may keep dinner waiting; 

Then the soup will get cold, and Edward will scold. 
And give the late guest a berating. 

You flounder and sigh — ^you're ready to cry — 
Coy Sleep won't allow you to win her ; 

Oh, the night before Christmas holds nothing of 
bliss, 
If you've asked your relations to dinner. 



35 



A TRUE ADVERTISEMENT 

Earnest Truepenny and Company 

Invite attention to their stock of Christmas Goods. 

Prices raised especially for the holiday 

season ! 

Old Goods represented as New ! 

Special showing of shop-worn Novelties! 

We offer many splendid swindles for Rich Buyers, 

as all our wares are guaranteed strictly 

as Misrepresented. 

Faked Antiques at Prices Higher than Real Ones! 

Positively None Genuine! 

Come Now!! 

Prices 'Way Up! 

Great Reduction will be made after the 

Holidays. 

— Gifts Specially Unsuitable for Men — 

Smoking Jackets marked up from 

$10 to $15. 

Slippers at double price. 

Choice selection of hideous Neckties offered without 

regard to cost. 

— Gifts Specially Inappropriate for Women — 

Our 1906 Hats — Sold at the price of this 

year's models! 

Exceptionally poor values in Silk Stockings. 

The absurdly high prices of our Trashy Gimcracks 

tempt all Christmas Shoppers!! 

36 



A TRUE ADVERTISEMENT 

ART DEPARTMENT 

Hand-painted Atrocities, greatly above the usual 
Prices ! 
At the Christmas Season nothing is so unacceptable 
as a Useful Gift! 
Try Our 
"Ready-To-Wear-Out" Clothing! 
Tight fits for 
Stout People. 
Last Year's Styles Marked Up. 
Come early or late ! You will find a stuffy atmos- 
phere, crowded counters, and tired clerks ! 
Honest as our Advertising is, you will find our goods 
even less desirable than we represent them ! 



37 



CIRCUMSTANCES ALTER CASES 

AS Christmas Day was drawing near, upon a 
lady called 
A gentlemanly person, who was old and somewhat 

bald. 
"I am the Christmas agent/* he announced. "I'd 

like to know 
How many and what presents you're intending to 

bestow." 
Said the lady, "Here's my list, sir; but tell me, ere 

you leave, 
What loving Christmas token from my friends I 

shall receive." 
She heard his answer with surprise, then laughed 

in gay derision ; 
"Call round a little later, sir; my list needs much 



38 



A GREAT AUTHOR 

ABOU BEN AUTHOR (may he keep his 
health), 
Awoke one night from a fair dream of wealth ; 
And saw, within his curio furnished room, 
Sitting right on his best Etruscan tomb, 
An angel, scribbling on a paper pad. 
Exceeding fame had made Ben Author bad ; 
So to the vision he just spoke right out : 
"Who's Who are you? and what are you about?" 
The angel answered, with a three-inch smile, 
"I write the names of those whose work's worth 

while." 
"Then I'm up top," said Abou. "No, not that," 
Stammered the angel. "Pooh !" said Abou, "Scat ! 
But ere you flit, note me as one, I pray, 
Who won't write Christmas rubbish, anyway !" 
The angel soared away from Abou's place 
Threading the window with a sinuous grace. 
He floated slowly Heavenward, the while 
His face let out another inch of smile. 
And as he wiggle-waggled through the mist. 
He hastily revised his little list. 
Till (as perhaps, dear reader, you have guessed), 
Abou Ben Author's name led all the rest! 



39 



BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS OF LONG AGO 

THE old folks sigh for the by-gone days, 
Of simple mirth and homely cheer; 
They sigh for the prim, old-fashioned ways, 
That marked the Yule-tide of yester-year. 
To the straight-laced customs they will adhere 

As long as they live on earth, I trow, 
Their early observances they'll hold dear — 
But who wants the Christmas of Long Ago? 

Their memory veils with a golden haze 

The rigid rules and the laws severe; 
The pompous manner and stilted phrase, 

The absurd old wigs and the costumes queer. 
With mincing tread and with mien austere 

They gravely walked through their dances slow ; 
These quaint old memories we revere — 

But who wants the Christmas of Long Ago? 

The modem festival wins our praise. 

The Christmas Day that is drawing near; 
A season of dances, feasts and plays. 

When the Lord of Misrule runs his gay career. 
Let the chimes ring out with their music clear, 

Let the Yule-log blaze and the punch-bowl flow, 
We'll drink to the Puritan Pioneer — 

But who wants the Christmas of Long Ago? 
40 



BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS OF LONG AGO 

L 'Envoi 
Rose, the mistletoe hangs from the chandelier, 

I see you smile, though the light bums low ; 
Hurrah for the Christmas that now is here ! — 

And who wants the Christmas of Long Ago? 



41 



A FINE OLD MAN 

YOU are old, Father Christmas," the young 
woman said, 
"Yet whenever you visit the earth. 
You laugh like a boy and you shake your white 
head 
And chuckle in gladness and mirth." 

"My dear," Father Christmas replied, with a grin, 

"111 tell you the reason of that. 
In my youth I was solemn and, therefore, quite thin, 

So I thought I would laugh and grow fat." 

"You are old. Father Christmas," she went on to say, 
"And the old oft are stingy and mean ; 

Yet you strew welcome gifts in a free-handed way. 
Such lavishness never was seen." 

"In my youth," Father Christmas replied, with a 
wink, 

"I had an extravagant wife; 
And the prodigal habits she taught me, I think. 

Affected me all through my life." 

"You are old," said the maiden, "as surely you know, 
Yet when you come earthward, each year. 

You always remember to bring mistletoe 
To hang on the great chandelier." 
42 



A FINE OLD MAN 

"In my youth," Father Christmas replied, and he 
smiled, 

"Ere ever to mortals I came ; 
I studied young hearts, and I find, my dear child, 

Their wishes are ever the same." 



43 



WHEN SANTA CLAUS AND CUPID MET 

(A Legend) 

WHEN Santa Claus and Cupid met 
One day, the boy flew in a pet 
About some berries small and red. 
"They're mine ! I want them !" Cupid said. 
But Santa Claus replied, "What folly! 
Why, child, this is my Christmas holly." 
"I don't care !" cried the angry elf, 
"I want those berries for myself J" 
A teardrop shone in either eye. 
"Tut, tut!" said Santa Claus; "don't cry; 
I'll keep my holly berries red, 
These white ones you may have instead." 
"All right," and Cupid gayly smiled 
(He's nothing but a silly child). 
"The white ones just as well will do ; 
I rather think they're prettier, too." 
So, ever since at Christmas merry 
Santa Claus brings the holly berry. 
But Cupid (as perhaps you know). 
Brings for his gift the mistletoe. 



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AUTO-CHRISTMAS 

that will do all we claim, or refund your money. 

The machine runs by electricity, and, if set up and 
adjusted the night before Christmas, it will fill the 
children's stockings. Then, during the night, it will 
decorate the house with holly wreaths, and will place 
a large and well-filled Christmas tree in your back 
parlor, completely equipped with gifts, ornaments, 
candles, and an angel a-top. Next, it will provide 
a complete and sumptuous Christmas dinner, well 

45 



THE AUTO-CHRISTMAS 

cooked, well served, and tastefully decorated. Guar- 
anteed to make the table groan in the traditional 
manner. After this, it will provide games and 
dances, or any form of entertainment desired. It 
will hang a bunch of mistletoe on the chandelier, 
and serve a delightful Christmas supper. 

This description does but slight justice to our 
wonderful invention, which must be tried to be ap- 
preciated. There are various attachments, such as 
snapdragon, boars' heads, and wassail-bowls, which 
will be furnished at a slight extra charge. Our '99 
model is, of course, the finest, and has all improve- 
ments up to date, including an automobile ride and 
a Yule gas log; but our '98 and '97 models may be 
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The price may seem a large outlay of money, but 
remember that you save yourself all worry and plan- 
ning in the matter; all hurried and unsatisfactory 
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tough turkeys; and, best of all, there is no danger 
of that tired feeling the day after. So send at once 
for samples and full particulars to 

The Auto-Christmas Co., 
No. 25 Yule Street. 



46 



A BALLADE OF THE MISTLETOE BOUGH 

I KNOW of a hostelry jolly, 
Resplendent with garland and spray 
Of laurel and red-berried holly, 
Of evergreen branches and bay. 
The host and his welcome are gay. 
The feasting is good, and I vow 

They are merry companions who stay 
At the sign of the Mistletoe Bough. 

Oh, season of frolic and folly. 

We bow to thy roystering sway ; 
And even the cat and the collie 

Are eager to join in the fray. 

Our cares seem but lightly to weigh, 
There's nothing but merriment now, 

As we carol a blithe roundelay 
At the sign of the Mistletoe Bough. 

See merry-eyed, rosy-cheeked Polly, 

In marvelous dainty array. 
And Rosalie, Kitty and Dolly 

Their smiles and their graces display. 

I greet each fair maid in a way 
You*d never suppose they'd allow ; 

Yet with perfect decorum I may 
At the sign of the Mistletoe Bough. 
47 



A BALLADE OF THE MISTLETOE BOUGH 

L'Envoi 
Kriss Kringle, thy favor we pray; 

With long life and good fortune endow 
All those who remember thy day 

At the sign of the Mistletoe Bough. 



48 



CHRISTMAS ON MT. OLYMPUS 

J^T^WAS the night before Christmas; Olympiads 

X height 

Was ringing with laughter and blazing with light. 
The gods and the goddesses (see Murray's Manual) 
Were holding their regular Christmas-Eve annual. 
In the gorgeous Olympian dancing-pavilion 
Apollo was leading the mazy cotillion, 
When out at the gate there arose such a clatter, 
The deities ran to see what was the matter. 
There they found Santa Claus in a terrible plight, 
His sleigh, heavy-laden, had broken down, quite. 

Poor man ! He had started in gladness and mirth 
With his yearly consignment of presents to earth. 
And now, each fair gift designed for a mortal 
Was dumped on the ground at 01ympia*s portal! 
But the gods and the goddesses generous are, 
And Aurora said, "Santa, I'll lend you my car." 
The offer was gladly accepted. Saint Nick 
Transferred all his bundles surprisingly quick. 

Then he said, "Your assistance is of such great 

worth 
I'll bring you a beautiful present from earth. 
Now if you and the others will mention, my dear, 
Whatever you want that you can't get up here—-" 
"You love !" cried Aurora, with jubilant squeal, 

49 



CHRISTMAS ON MT. OLYMPUS 

"1*11 take, if you please, an automobile!" 

"You darling!" cried Venus, "pray bring me from 

town 
A big picture hat and a new Paris gown." 
"My order," said Mercury, "is roller skates." 
Achilles said, "I*d like a pair of heel-plates." 
Fair Niobe sobbed, "Since I always must cry. 
Of handkerchiefs bring me a goodly supply." 
Said Laocoon, "They say whisky's a cure 
For snakebite — if so, I should like some, I'm sure." 
"I'm not quite in form," said old Hercules, 
"So I'd be obliged for a punching-bag, please." 
Said Ajax, "A lightning-rod, sir, is my choice." 
While Mars said a Krupp gun would make him re- 
joice. 
Minerva (you know she's exceedingly wise) 
Said a late Boston Transcript she greatly would 

prize. 
Well, Santa Claus finally finished his list, 
And said, "Is this all? Is any one missed?" 
"Well, yes," iEsculapius said, "if you please, 
I've encountered the old-fashioned forms of disease ; 
But my pupils and I think 'twould greatly delight us 
If you'd bring us a patient with appendicitis." 
"All right!" answered Santa Claus, "I shall obey. 
Merry Christmas to all !" and he hurried away. 



50 



CHRISTMAS RUBAIYAT 



Wake ! For your son who Scatters into Flight 
Your Morning Nap, ere yet the Day is Bright, 
Shouts "Merry Christmas!" with ear-splitting 
Yell, 
And grabs his Stocking with a Wild Delight. 

II 

Why, all the Saints and Sages who Suggest 
'Hiat Christmas Giving is a Bore or Pest, 

Are foolish Prophets. Treat their words with 
Scorn ! 
They're Cross Dyspeptics; They should be Sup- 
pressed. 

Ill 

And those who Husbanded the Golden Chink, 
And those who Flung it Gaily o*er the Brink, 
Alike at Christmas Time draw on the Fund, 
Which, saved up Once, Men spend without a Think ! 

IV 

Indeed, indeed, Retrenchment oft Before 
I swore; but did I mean it when I Swore? 

And then, — then Christmas came! and Purse in 
Hand 
I made a Bee-line for the nearest Store. 

51 



CHRISTMAS RUBAIYAT 
V 

They say "The Lion and The Lizard" keep 
Delightful Christmas Presents; good yet Cheap. 

I'll go there. For I really can't Afford 
The Fine Shops where the Prices are so Steep. 

VI 

A Book of Verses, say, for Mary Anne ; 
A Smoking Set or Mandolin for Dan; 

Perhaps a Chafing-Dish for Geraldine, 
Some little Silver Thing will do for Nan. 

VII 

Waste not your Hour, nor in the Foolish Chase 
Of Something that will be Just Right for Grace. 

Better give her a Handkerchief or Book, 
Than spend a Day, racing from Place to Place ! 

VIII 

Strange, is it not? That of the Myriads who 
Do Christmas Shopping every year, like you, 

Not one begins Betimes; but waits until 
The Shops are crowded, so she can*t get Through! 



IX 



We are no Other than a Moving Row 

Of Christmas Shoppers, as we Come and Go 

Trying to find that Fairy-Story Shop 
Where Quality is High, and Price is Low! 

52 



CHRISTMAS RUBAIYAT 
X 

But Helpless Pieces of the game Kriss Plays 
Upon the Checker-Board of Christmas Days ; 

Hither and Thither, Hustle, Rush and Push, 
Then One by One drag home with one Small Vase ! 



XI 



But under Cover of Departing Day 
The Christmas Tree bloomed out in Brave Array ! 
Once more, on Christmas Eve I proudly stood 
Surrounded by Be-ribboned Shapes so Gay. 

XII 

Shapes of all Sorts and Sizes, Great and Small 
They stood along the Floor and by the Wall, 

And some were tied with Holly-ribbon Bows, — 
And some were 'most too Big to Tie at all ! 

XIII 

Then to the Lip beneath the Mistletoe 

I leaned. The Secret of my Life to know. 

And Lip to Lip, I murmured, "Nov/'s Your 
Chance ! 
Be quick and Eass her, ere you Let Her go !" 

XIV 

I think the Mistletoe began to Shake 
With silent Laughter. Then it Softly Spake : 
"Kiss her," and, ah, the Ruby Lip I kissed! 
How many Kisses might it Give and Take ! 

53 



CHRISTMAS RUBAIYAT 

XV 

Ah, Love, if Anybody said, "You may 
Omit the Celebration of the Day," 

Would we not Eagerly and Quickly choose 
To Celebrate it just the Same Old Way? 

XVI 

When You and I are passed away, no Doubt 
The world will still have Christmases about ; 

Which of our Coming and Departure heeds 
As a Man heeds Cigars his Wife picks Out ! 



54 



M 



y 



V X^ ^'^ 



A BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS 

THE Christmas music's heard to-day, 
The gladdest music of the year ; 
The bells ring out, the deep chimes play, 
Carols are sung by voices clear. 
Happily on the maiden's ear 
Sounds the gay music of the ball ; 

But though these sounds we love to hear 
The Christmas spirit's best of all. 

The Christmas gifts make fine array 

And to our hearts our friends endear; 
Though some loved ones are far away, 

Remembrance makes them seem more near. 

What though some gifts are strange and queer. 
Though some are great and others small, 

We care not how they m.ay appear — 
The Christmas spirit's best of all. 

The Christmas table's fine display 

Invites us all to goodly cheer; 
The children shout with laughter gay. 

Nor elders' admonition fear. 

Beneath the gleaming chandelier 
The mistletoe hangs in the hall ; 

And in our hearts, true and sincere, 
The Christmas spirit's best of all. 

55 



A BALLADE OF CHRISTMAS 

L'Envoi 
Comrade, throughout our life's career, 

When Christmas holds us in its thrall 
Time-honored ways we must revere — 

The Christmas spirit's best of all. 



56 



A SAD FATE 

A paper Fairy on a Christmas tree 

Fell in love 
With a Candy Soldier whom she chanced to see 
Just above; 
But the object of her care 
Fixed his calm and painted stare 
On a gay and debonair 
Sugar Dove. 

Now the Candy Soldier didn't want to gaze 

On the bird, 
For the Paper Fairy with her pretty ways 
He preferred; 
But he couldn't move his eyes, 
So he heaved some heavy sighs 
Which the Fairy, in surprise, 
Overheard. 



Then the Candy Soldier asked the Paper Fay 

For his mate, 
But before her answer she could coyly say 
'Twas too late. 
For a lot of girls and boys 
Came and took away the toys, 
And thus ended all their joys — 
Cruel Fate! 

57 



POOR RICHARD JUNIOR'S PHILOSOPHY 

Then Yule remember me. 
Christmas levels all ranks. 
Celebration is the thief of time. 
A fair exchange is no certainty. 
One good gift deserves another. 
Presents speak louder than words. 
The patient club-waiter is no loser. 
Never put a gift cigar in your mouth. 
Presents make the heart grow fonder. 
Gifts show which way the wind blows. 
A friend in need is a friend at Christmas. 
The proof of the Christmas is in the eating. 
A gift in the hand is worth two on the tree. 
It is more expensive to give than to receive. 



58 



THE MERMAID 

On Christmas Eve a merman tall 
Went blithely forth to make a call 

Upon a mermaid fair; 
He found her, as youVe doubtless guessed 
Upon a rock in seaweed dressed 

A-combing of her hair. 

Now as the merman looked around, 
No spray of mistletoe he found. 

And he remarked the lack. 
"You know I have no feet, and so. 
How can I have a mistletoe?" 

The mermaid answered back. 



59 



AN EXPLANATION 

The holly wreaths hung on the wall, 
With shining leaves of glossy green; 

And baby Polly's fingers small 
Patted the berries' scarlet sheen. 

With sparkling eyes and cheeks aglow, 
She cried: "Mamma, mamma, I say, 

Just see the berries ! Now I know 
Why Christmas is a holly-day!" 



60 



St 



29 in 



